Life is work. If you show up routinely, you will get wet, or burned. Or electrocuted, or fall... If you mind your business, your chances go down slightly.
My Hon said, don't show up for work if you can't take your feelings being hurt."
I always thought living without passion, was a kind of sin. I'm the kind of woman who is do or die, and I put all my heart in, to W.I.N.
I figure we all die, trying. Might as ride it for all its worth.
|"I spent a year in that town, |
When it's good, it is all good. When shit fails, it's epic. Giant explosion. Debris for miles. Risk like the wind has a variable quality. (At the tumbleweed its called, wear and tear.
I let a third party be in charge of my over-active imagination. I'm a little dangerous to myself, anyway, if I have no set direction or destination in mind when I get restless.
Boy Howdy, I can get going when a Gale force wind prevails. .
And I was taught drastic action and force were necessary in cases of crisis. In other words, I jump started my miserable encounter, because I was emotionally attacted to the details.
My plight, a force of habit and poo-poo-duty.
I finially found the new beginning I was chasing from North Dakota to Texas, and Colorado, plus a few more towns. I was surprised to find myself here despite my dedicated search. I was so grateful and excited I began to get worried. I began to treat my situations, my encounters, my daily duties, like I had never left my old life behind.
I always forget to budget for the rebound date, doubt. That inner asshole who likes to sabotage.
"What if its not real and I don't deserve it." A hand-me-down, garbage story My Mokey, shouts. There is no place in my new life for the same old situation. I'm all learned the hard way we need to lock out, tag out, watch for hazards, and wear protective equipment, when we show up for work...
So, I'm a long way from where I am going but at least I believe myself when I look at the mirror.
I have a little unfinished business from my old life, that I need to tend to. And, I'm okay that I don't get a brand new me to go with my new life. I'm not alone with my emptyness.
Because mistakes, every single one of them, are forgivable.
A gale force wind that prevails...Destroys property, displaces families. It takes best friends, and Grammies, and dogs.
I held a personal, private safety meeting with myself this morning. I asked myself a question with that first cup of coffee....before life coult distract me.
Are the people I'm with, and the things I'm going after, are they necessary? Useful? Helpful? Rewarding?
For any of us?
I was so afraid the white flag of surrender might make me dull and mute. For a minute I had to really stand still and listen. Wait patiently.
Then I discovered, to what do I despair.
Doubt is My Monkey's name. And we've been together, since the beginning of time.
He's not really mine. I adopted him. True story.
Well, I finally arrived in this new life I thought I might never find; exhausted and busted from the Gale force wind that prevailed.
Top to bottom, to left of center and back and forth and to and from and over and out of the lower 48, I a round a bout found, that even when one is wrong, evil or lost, and even if you never get found, God is and always will be
It tickles the hole in my soul that is almost empty.
I might have planted it, myself, but I can tell already whatever is now ready to sprout from this hole of a soul is going to grow hearty and WILD, like a weed.
I guess I can finally appreciate how empty is not such a bad thing. And maybe even a blessing.
At the very least it is the perfect ending, and perfect beginning of a circle, and compost one of those seeds that fell of this old naked stick bush, dancing.
Holes are my deprtment anyway. I once was the Nevada State Mucking Champion....
Besides, isn't the SOUL the only hole we really have the Duty to fill up? No poo involved? No bullshit allowed? Count me in! I am ready, willing and able.
My advice to myself, at this place, given my sense of direction and my sense of time. Get a (Jump) Start.
Right now, wherever you are.
Use what you have.
Do what you can.
Wear, and use your personal protective equipment.
Then do your job.
For the rest, LET God, be merciful.
Go to the beach!